Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
It was confusing and full of hummus
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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