My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
