Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
