Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
