I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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