i'm signing you up for texting rehab
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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