Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
