"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
