That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Text me some of your sweat
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
