I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Randomize
