It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
