Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
