Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
