Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
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