my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
