I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
