I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
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