dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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