4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
