I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
