someone threw a dead crab at me
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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