theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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