In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
