Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
