my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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