Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
