I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
My vagina is very pro this idea
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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