I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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