did you get engaged???
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
