You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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