I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
