Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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