my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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