Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
