I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Dicks are not precious.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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