got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize