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My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
