I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
