explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
