So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
