My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
