I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
