hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
