Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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