Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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