Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
