Jerry, you need to find god
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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