If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
