I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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