My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
