I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
