i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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