I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
